TBDOA

No, seriously.

Not enough of your were freaked out by this website. I'm giving you another peek, because it really is quite frightening. I mean come on, did you look at the snail? Who dressed their baby as a fucking snail, and then needlepoints about it?!?!?!?!?!

I still feel the spider takes the cake. There are bears, too, but I don't have the stomach to tell the tale. Go see for yourself.

Oh Jesus.

Signs.

Oh yes, my children. Even in the sanctuary of the cozy mom-n-pop coffee shoppe I found myself in this past weekend, there are creeping signs of The End to Come. Gaze now at our peril:

Imagine, if you will, the tiny little immigrant woman, stitching day into night and night into day, on tiny little down coats for bears. How does she not kill herself, how does she look into her own eyes!?!?!?!? Well ... I guess if my family got free soy no-whip lattes every hour on the hour, even I could be a whore for the Bad Guy.

Onward. Astute Armageddon-spotter Lee Ann sent me these two items.

Bears going postal has been seen before, albeit not quite so alluringly shrink-wrapped. But this next bit ....

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Wait, let me catch my breath.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! What the blue hell is that thing?!? A doll, baby bear thing. You know I love dolls, right? I mean ... I just ... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I'm having involuntary spasms and urine leakage. I gotta go cry somewhere.

Hats off to TBDOA!
No, seriously ... take your hat off. Please.

This is one of those subsets of TBDOA that is worth mentioning. It is a phenomenon known as "putting teddy bear parts on or near the skull". I can't think of anything more defiling; can you?

Don't eat the baby! O the horror, the horror!!!

Web of Horror

What ?!?!?

WHAT?!?!?!?

Dressing and Undressing

This is so not OK.

Same-sex bear couples.

Not "legal" in most states.

Horror isn't just for heteros anymore.

"Please stick something in my giant orifice!"

--overheard in trinket shop at I-95 rest area

Now here's something new. I believe these TBDOA-like freaks are meant to hold something, like maybe a water bottle or a fifth of Jim Beam. There is a head and somewhat of a body, and then a huge tube of flesh that is elasticized. I am holding the orifices open to show you on the smaller ones, which maybe hold baby bottles or a camera. I don't know. I don't know from mutants!

It's like a tracheotomy. The thing has a stoma with a bottle sticking out of it! When he/she talks, it sounds like a robot.

By the way, taking pictures of cheap-ass merchandise at a State of Massachusetts DOT rest area is a really good way to get yelled at by a giant, uniform-clad lesbian (probably) with a nightstick and lots of keys.

Alert Reader TBDOA Spotting!

Teddy Bear as Centaur!

and it's made of alpaca fur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New reader Phytheas Bear spotted this abomination at one of the Wormholes to the Underworld. I am fairly certain this site is going to give me enough TBDOA material to post every day until Christmas.

TBDOA invade the realm of Pegasus

Oh, so now it's OK to blaspheme even the most sacred mythological creatures? What's next ... Teddy Bears as Santa Claus? as Tumnus the Faun? as Aslan? as Jesus?!? Such a creation brings us to the very brink of damnation.

So many reasons to cry.

Oh noooooooooooooooooo!

Now even the sudsy bliss of bathtime has been corrupted by TBDOA!

These monstrosities were found in the bath aisle at Hell's Gate. While not TBDOA per se, they definitely qualify as TBDOA-like phenomena. They are bath scrubbies, with animal heads. Dismemberment is never funny, particularly when paired with bubbles.

Monkeys Inside of Monkeys

This abomination was found at The 7th Gate of Hell in Cape Cod. It's a Monkey toiletry bag, spilling monkey-shaped bath goodies out of its viscera when unzipped. I know a certain someone who would probably bite me for even holding this. I'm sorry, my darling.

Lurker Earns A+ on TBDOA Assignment!

Sabrina, a self-proclaimed lurker, has sent me evidence of the following perversion:

Gods help us.

Read about it here.

Prom, anyone?

Your Assignment

Now that you have been exposed to the horror of TBDOA, it is incumbent upon you to open your eyes and to spot this perversion in the world. Over the next week, whilst I am on a TBDOA-hunting foray into the wilds of New England, please find examples of TBDOA or TBDOA-like phenomena (dolls, freaky stuffed animals, babies in costume) and send them to me!

You may find them on the web or (preferably) through the lens of your own camera.

Godspeed, my minions.

Avast!!!

After spotting the Bear Dressed as a Lobster in the touring booklet, I thought I was relatively safe from seeing one in person. What God would be so cruel as to hit me with such a diabolical double-whammy? I strutted about confidently, safely ...

I was so wrong.

Build-your-own horror show

In Boston, I happened to pass by one of the Portals of Hell, a little shop known as Build-a-Bear. Besides all the usual TBDOA to which I am (alarmingly!) growing desensitized, I found these beauties.

A husky dog, dressed as a donkey. I am having trouble imagining why this is needed. Is it one of those wolves-in-sheep-clothes scenarios, or some strange stuffed husky subculture of which I am was blissfully unaware?

Now here ... this is beyond the pale (I often use that phrase but didn't know exactly what it meant. Go educate yourself, as I did!). Dragons, for one, are not even real animals (sorry, Calzone). And then getting all gussied up in lobsterwear? Nay. Fie. Avast! And all the other nonsense words! I hurl them at you, ridiculous dragon-lobster hybrid.

I, of course, left a card.

Monkey sees TBDOA!

Knowing TBDOA exist is one thing; seeing the evidence firsthand is quite another. Here, Monkey and I were having lunch atop the Pru in Boston, browsing a touring booklet. Imagine our dismay when we discovered that Teddy Bears Dressed as Lobsters had invaded even this most beautiful place! :: shudder ::